dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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