I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
