also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
