thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
