Church boner. Awkwardddd
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
