I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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