i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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