i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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