How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
