Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
