from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
