Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
