He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
