Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Even my vagina gasped.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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