even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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