Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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