You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
