??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
