I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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