Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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