my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
its not stalking. its research.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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