what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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