So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
