You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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