I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
