I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
