I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
