I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i came on her dog
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
