My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
