shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
