There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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