You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
