I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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