Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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