i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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