zippers are such a cool invention
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
