I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
