Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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