Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
