Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
