I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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