JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
