im having a threesome with these popsicles
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
