i wish my penis had a tongue
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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