Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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