I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
