You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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