Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
