your parents love me but you hate me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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