I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
