wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
