I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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